Wham, and life happened …..

The me who is always meta-morphing

September 23, 2012. I started the I am series blog. I was determined on posting a blog every day or every other week at least. And i was getting close to that discipline. I was geared up. Driven and all fired up I made a decision to move the core operations of my business to Cebu. It’s a new growing potential there and i have had moderate success here based on my own personal standards. I still had my doubts. One feet in and another still in KL I gave my partner here 75% of my commitment. Barely a week in, I get the call, rather the email. An email, that shattered me and my being. An email, that changed everything, an email that said my mom passed away suddenly. The worse thing than that email is that i missed the funeral. From the point i got the email to me actually returning home took me 2 days. I never got to see my mom’s face upon her death.

All i have now is a single digital picture that was taken few weeks before she died.

My mom has always been my biggest supporter. However due to certain society pressures this highly progressive woman eventually caved in to the pressure and my personal relationship with my mom deteriorated, rather badly. As a matter of fact there was small feud that went on with myself and my mom the few months before she died. Misunderstandings and failure to communicate effectively on  my part is to be blamed. Being surrounded by an environment that’s detrimental to personal growth and personal breakthrough,  that was hers.

I was in a full on therapist mode for the two weeks mourning period as is the norm with Hindu rites. I myself do not prescribe to the idea of branding myself with “a” religion.

But my mother was a very pious and devout Hindu. In due accordance with her personal belief she had a very Hindu way of sending the departed soul.  I shaved my head bald as a symbol that one carries when a parent passes. Then after all is said and done, the relatives who came to show their support, left to fend for their own lives. I too bid farewell to my dad and left and took the flight back. One of my best friends sent me to the airport and talked with me about his own personal struggles in life.

I arrived in Cebu and the grief that I wasn’t able to show started manifesting in the ugliest of forms. I hated myself and everything living. Thoughts of suicide re-appeared far more frequently.  My friends and partner were worried, yet their strength helped me sustain. Until one night. I have never dreamed of a dead relative , no matter how close we were. That night I started feeling the presence of someone else in my home. I wasn’t scared as a feeling of familiarity crept in. When I went to bed that night I saw my mom in all her glory sitting beside me in my bed. As she was touching my face saying everything will be alright and she understands fully what happened and that she will be by my side, I felt a huge block of rock just lifted from the inner me. I woke up smiling the next day and I felt my mom’s presence around me for few more days till it was 30 days to the day she passed on.

My mom, who has been the pivotal point in my personal growth as an individual has come back in form of a spirit or soul and has once again uplifted me. My commitment for my business and my role in making a difference in this beautiful island of Cebu went from 75% to 1000%.  That is not a typo, I really mean a thousand percent. For I believe as the descendant of a migrant from India to Malaysia, my role , my purpose in life transcends my country of birth. This place I am in now needs me more than my country of birth. This place deserves a chance. So many wonderful souls here. So many beautiful hearts. All yearning for an opportunity to make a difference. I am committed to helping with creating that opportunity. The son of a woman who was known for education and growth is now doing the same on a bigger scale here.

Everything I was, is because of my mother, everything I am is because of my experience, everything that I will be is because who I choose to be. I choose to be one with everything synonymous with growth and opportunity to shine. I am who I will be and who I can be. I am. I am. I am.